No one warned you of the emotional roller-coaster, the self-pity thoughts you crave to blot out with anyone else’s company…when you would listen with wistful attentiveness to your friend’s romantic tales, admire the locked hands of an absent minded couple, stare at the huge ring nestled gently on a bride’s finger, bask in the promises of love songs, walk through an empty house and tell yourself this isn’t what you want, or when random sex left you worse off than the tension before.
Your mind would wander, however, down the euphoric streets of fresh love; when there was this constant , uncontrollable urge to listen, touch, inhale and literally consume the essence of the person who once ensnared you. When all faults were angelic and saintly; and love was truly blind.
It is perfectly normal to move around in a slow, suicidal (semi-psychotic) daze as you analytically dissect your mind, your actions and behaviour. To question about the gradual transition of innocent, unnecessary lies blossoming into ripe dishonesty. How did insecurity materialize into a temper that slapped you across the face? How did you sacrifice so much of yourself and your values till you became this empty shell, in need of another’s approval to survive? At what point did flirting become cheating; and how did a smart person like yourself get caught? Why did you endure the disbasement for so long? Why didn’t you read the warning signs before you were sucked in?
Perfectly normal to wallow in your ‘aloneness’, berating yourself for destroying/ allowing the destruction of something so right, so true. To blatantly refuse to forgive yourself , because that’s the only way not to move on- for to feel the hurt is better than feeling nothing at all. It’s alright to live in self denial and imagine your spare time is filled with plans, or secretly pray for things to get back to normal even if it entails losing your pride.
It is alright to leave piles of work undone as you daydream of the ‘best thing you would no longer have’.
In the midst of this melodrama, you must choose between maturity and sanity as your thumb hovers over the delete button……