One fine evening, on my way back from Bible Study, someone happened to come across me at the city centre (somewhere in England). It was sometime after 10pm and I was in a very pleasant mood; you’ll probably attest to this. So, there I was, bouncing along happily, feeling an abundance of grace and love after reciting 2 Corinthians 13:14 when this dude calls out to me:
Dude: ‘Excuse me, hi’ ( His accent was quite heavy, African maybe)
I stopped and turned towards him.
Dude: ‘Do I know you?’
Me: ‘…..Do you?’ ( I was genuinely curious)
Dude: ‘Are you a student here?’
Me: ‘Yes, I am’
I swear I must have been crazy for answering!
Dude: ‘What school?’
Dude: ‘My name is Chris. I’m a Nigerian but I was born in Germany..’
This was said with a huge smile. Like I care, right…
What was I thinking?
Ladies, you know how sometimes you meet a guy who says one thing but means the opposite? Well, there’s this guy my colleagues often tease me about; never in his presence though. He comes by almost every week so he’s a regular and he’s always well put together. Let’s just call him WPTD (Well Put Together Dude). We only ever exchange greetings and sort work related stuff, no more. On one such day he asks to speak with me privately, so we head out of the office:
WPTD: ‘I need to talk to you about something’
Me: ‘OK, what is it?’
WPTD: ‘My colleague told me that she thinks I like you. I just want you to know that it’s not true. I don’t want you to get the wrong impression at all’
No kidding, how would I have gotten that?
Me: ‘I’ll just wipe the thought away. See? It’s gone from my mind’
WPTD: ‘I’m serious’
Me: ‘So am I’
WPTD: ‘I don’t think of you in that way, it’s never crossed my mind at all’
Me: ‘Yea, yea, I get it’
I thought it couldn’t get worse, I should have known better
WPTD: ‘So, what’s up with you? You’re always busy when I come around’
WPTD: ‘You’re so small, so easy to carry’
Huh, where did this come from?
WPTD: ‘Yes. Looking at you I can tell you don’t weigh more than a bag of pure water’
Say what? OMG! He actually said that with a smile; he just compared me to a bag of pure water! I’m standing there too stupefied for words with my brows almost riding up to my hairline. He must have taken this as a cue to go on because next thing I know, he brings out his phone and proceeds to show me a picture of himself, bare chested as evidence that he can indeed lift a bag of pure water. Meh, I don suffer!
About two months ago, a colleague of mine, much older colleague, called me while I was home ( we have lines for official calls). After the initial greetings and an unnecessarily long list compliments and prayer points:
Colleague: ‘This is not a conversation we can have at the office because it’s personal. I've been working here for 7 years and I swear, since then, I have never asked anyone out’
Like I care..
Colleague: ‘The truth is I like you and I want you to consider me. I’m serious, I like you so much’
Me: ‘Hmmm, I’ll get back to you’
When hell freezes over!
A couple of weeks later, he calls out to me while I’m preparing to leave the office.
The conversation is in Yoruba..
Colleague: ‘Bawo ni? Ah, mi o fe ba e soro ninu office, s’o mo..’ (How are you? Ah, I didn’t want to talk to you in the office, you know..)
Me: ‘Ki l’e fe?’ (What do you want?)
Colleague: ‘Mo need owo ni. Mo ro pe o le help mi, s’o mo pe ko da k’eyan ma suffer in silence..’ (I need some money. I think you can help me, you know it’s not good to suffer in silence..)
Me: ‘Ehn, e de feel pe o da wipe ke beere owo l’owo mi?’ (So, you think asking me for money is a good idea?)
Colleague: ‘Ehn, o le help mi’ ( Yes, you can help me)
Me: ‘No, that was a very very bad idea!’
I left. O fe gba owo to fe fi s’omo lowo mi, mscheeeew.
Please, feel free to share your funny, weird or downright annoying stories about the worst or best pick up lines you’ve ever heard 🙂